This is going to be the biggest blog I have ever written - well seing as I dont often write blog entrys there are not many to compare with. The last entry was in Dec 07 and my life has changed so much since then - some for better some for worse - but changed.
Lets get the bad stuff out of the way first. Ok so I will leave my accom this year with one person not talking to me, a friend becoming and acquaintance, a silent good bye and potential a friend for the next year too (results depending). To be frank I havent really clicked with my flat. No real reasons - but it takes effort to get on with them and when that effort is not returned there is no point. So - going to make a big effort next year. Why? Becuase RSV is a very lonely place. I found that out in my 2nd term. Work builds up - and social interaction decreases. Ok I know that being social does require effort anf the effort is more than worth it but sometimes you become drained. Drained, depressed and in a spiral of delcine is no overstatement about how I felt halfway through my 2nd term. Going to lectures - not speaking to ANYONE whilst I was there and just walking home. I like to thing that I can get on with people quite easily and I know that I am a social dependant - I need social interaction because without it - I dont like the person I am...
It was bad. It was really bad.
But the fact I am saying it WAS means it is a past tense. Why? Because I have faith in humanity once more - sometimes in places that you dont think to look. The flatmate not speaking to me anymore, the acquaintance - the first two people I told. They were there, they were helpful and I deeply feel sorry for the way things have turned out now - through in my opinion no fault of either of us. I was pushed to the point that I sent an email to my "friends" appoligising for the way I was. I say "friends" because I wasnt treating them as friends and in my F**kd up head I didnt think they were treating me like one... spiralling once more. The replies I got were truely inspirational and I will cherish them. The absense of replies to emails told me a lot too - but not to worry you live and learn. But that was a turning point for me personally, for my friendships and for my friendships of the future because I will not let things get so bad like that again.
then there was .... a four letter acroynym that I will not mention but will just sumarised as B. (ask me for more details if required). B has changed my life, for the better!
I will state my biggest regret first - that I didnt get involved in B before. I should have and will share that regret with people in the hope to get them involved sooner.
Went to a meeting, went to a conference, went to a week conference. Cured my "depression"
The people I met at these places were truely AMAZING. They showed me kindness, acceptance, friendship and inspiration. Maybe I need to be appreciated - we all do at one time or another and if you dont think you are, are you being selfish? arrogant? or just fame mad? Possibly - but a little praise never hurt anyone.
So without giving to much away (ask me another time I will be only too happy to tell you!) I will be involved in B a lot more often and with greater responsibility. Maybe its that I crave - involvement, responsibility, a feeling of importance? Yes that can be a dangerous thing and I need a few people to bring me back to earth but at least now I have found my "calling" lol and will love every minute of it.
So going on from the craving I have to succeed this will be channeled through in the best and most controlled way so that I keep in mind what is truely important. And I will never forget that now - after a time when I did and lost because of it.
So that was (like modern history) the depression, the revolution and now we come to the trials and tribulations.. EXAMS. They come to all of us and some of us should not be reading this and get back to revision with up and coming exams. A small break is a good thing but procrastination is a SIN! Overall I hope to be happy with my results (3 weeks ARGH!) Coming out of every exam there were some things I didnt do right - but some I know I did. I didnt stress during the exam period - a strange calmness but I hope that calmness does not reflect in poor results. HOWEVER what I have gained out of this year cannot be only determined as academic - because even before my results I will have some experience under my belt that I had to fight for - and won. Academic studies can be really hard, challenging but achievable. Other things require different skills and cannot be overcome like academic studies can be. I am jealous of others - when some are jealous of me. Before exams I did learn a little bit about myself and others though. Last minute students crave anyone who has already done work - and that happened to me. Only too happy to help friends, but friends dont use you. You could say that I use friends for social interaction and a sense of well being but that will change. I will value my friends more - I will - because they are the ones who have more of an influence on YOUR life than even you do sometimes.
Next year I will be more busy (with B stuff) and with a much harder year of study ahead! So what do I have to do to get through?
Manage time meticulously - when there is work to be done. Then once done relax completely and enjoy life!
Dont disregard friends - NEVER put work ahead of them. Explain to them my priorites and then move work around friends more than moving friends around work. True friends will understand and appreiciate the effort made.
Make the effort - that means to go that extra mile to help someone, to clean up to satisfy parents or to do that extra work to satsify yourself. If you dont make the effort, no-one else will and nothing comes out of something if no effort is put in (BASIC PHYSICS! :P)
The future....
Simple - unknown.
That is why you have to be willing to change. To treat people with respect, to live your own life and be the one that people around you like to have around... otherwise you won't be around them much longer.
Work hard- it IS worth it. But dont only work hard academically, with people and with non academic commitments.
Enjoy life (maybe start organising the holiday of a lifetime!) - it truely is precious.
To just quote a good friend:
"Some people just fly in and out of your life, but sometimes have a huge effect on the direction you are going. "
And to quote a guest speaker:
Two fisherman are fishing at a lake. One catches lots of big fish but throws them back in. The other is confused by this so goes and asks him why is chucks away the big fish. "Simple", the man said, " I only have a small frying pan so I cannot make use of the big fish even when I catch them"
If the big fish were opportunites (friends/life/job) are you throwing them away because you dont make the effort to buy a bigger frying pan - to broaden your horizens and embrace the things that get hocked on your fishing line....
I'm off to buy a bigger frying pan....
When I return you should see the size fish I will be able to catch!
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